My Daddy...

I'm infamous for not dealing with my feelings about some things and some people. Avoiding them is so much easier then dealing with it...

Case in point.. in 6 days will be my Dad's birthday.
Well.. it would have been if he had not died 4 days before my 27th birthday...
2 days before my 1 year wedding anniversary to Terry.
I never knew my Dad until 1990. He and my Mom split in 1972.
I moved in with my Dad after splitting from Darin in 1992.
My Dad and I had a rough time of it because I am my Father's Daughter.
Having never grown up with him it's amazing how much like him I truly am.
By the Grace of God I have enough of my Mother to not be a complete asshole.. but not quite enough.
My Dad was hard headed, contrary, hard to get a long with, selfish, hateful, but could be the best person in the world when he wanted. Would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. But he'd probably never let you forget that he gave the shirt to you.

I have a picture of him above my computer precariously taped to my desk.
Yesterday I decided to delete all of the music from my Mp3 player and start over.
So I'm going through the bazillion Mp3s I have downloaded and I click on the folder called "Country".
Now I haven't listened to country music in a long time because it evolks in me a lot of emotions. Not near enough of them good. I cry almost everytime I listen to country music so in true "Charlotte Style" i just avoid it.
So I click on the folder thinking to myself.. I'm happy with where I am in my life so it shouldn't effect me as much.
Yeah. Uh huh.
That's pretty much the case until I get alllll the way to the end under the "Vs"...
Vince Gill "Go rest high on the mountain"
Never heard of it?
Google it.
Download it.
Read the lyrics whilst you listen to it.

I played this at my Dad's funeral.

Today... I cried all over again.. as if I was sitting in that shitty funeral home, surrounded by people I did not want to talk to, half of them I didn't even know... lying to everyone telling them that I was ok, thanking them for telling me that they were sorry for my loss knowing good and well they were saying that because it's the only fucking thing you can say to someone when their Dad dies. Feeling like I was gonna puke.. again... wishing that I was somewhere else, and this was someone else's Dad who'd died, looking at my (Step) daughter Kimber watching the tears roll down her little angelic face, looking at my (then) husband Terry and seeing the grief there. Yeah.. Dad liked Terry more than he did me. It's true. I'm ok with it. Hearing the preacher start to talk. Why do they feel like they need to preach the gospel to people at a funeral? We're not in church. This ain't Sunday.. hell it's not even Wednesday night. I hear all the sniffles, the nose blowing, the murmuring, people putting their heads down when I look their way .. not able to look in my eyes... not able to see the grief I hold there... being told "Be Strong" "It'll be alright with time" wanting to just say "Fuck all ya'll"... "This is Bullshit" "I dont have to be strong dammit.. that is my DADDY laying there.. DEAD." But I didn't. Why? Because I'm my Mother's Daughter.

My Daddy

Artist/Band: Gill Vince
Lyrics for Song: Go Rest High On That Mountain
Lyrics for Album: When Love Finds You
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son