Once upon a time...

a little girl use to dress up in the best second-hand dress she had... pull her long, ash blond, curly hair into pony tails, slip on her scuffed Sunday shoes, wrap up in the two sizes too big hand me down coat, and stand outside on a cold day like today waiting on the church bus to pick her up and take her to that strange building, with all those people who's names she can't even remember today.

Then there were the Sundays of dressing in my best thrift store dress, clearance dress shoes, peroxide blonde hair loaded with hairspray, naivety full-on on my shoulders, singing in the choir, and sitting on the 6th pew on the right with Bible and highlighter ready for the hour + long service. Going back to boyfriend's house to eat Sunday lunch with his parents that his Mom had cooked the night before because she didn't believe in doing anything on Sunday or eating fried chicken, corn bread, banana pudding, etc in the fellowship hall with my fellow church goers.

Then there were the Sundays of dressing in my Walmart clearance dress, Family Dollar dress shoes, long, dark hair permed tight, of sitting in the 4th pew on the left with a little dark haired girl, 5 years of age, who looked at the world with fresh, wonderfully perceptive eyes. Singing in the choir, and getting called on to sing in the middle of service. The leading of the children's choir & the praying at the altar.

Then there were the Sundays of dressing in my best business casual dress with my Payless dress shoes, short, light brown hair flipped at the ends, sitting in a strange building with people who's names she can't even remember today (although it was about 4 years ago) singing songs she'd never heard, and feeling completely out of place....

Story of my life in a nut shell? "Feeling completely out of place..."

Now Sundays are "You are watching Nascar on NBC"...



I wrote this next part to a friend of mine, and decided against having it in the email that I was sending. However... it still felt good getting it off my chest.
Let me preface this by saying that I have alot of conflict in my head & heart when it comes to God, Jesus, the Bible, Heaven & Hell.

If you are easily offended, a stout church goer, or otherwise devout religious person.. the next few paragraphs aren't for you. These are my thoughts, ideas, wonderings, etc and you have no more right to question them, comment something ugly, or judge what I've written than I do to question you, comment something ugly about you, or judge you.

That being said...

In the past few years I've .... had a lot of questions, and started to wonder about a lot of the things that I read in the Bible. Now.. thats not to say that I don't believe in God, Jesus, Heaven or Hell. I was raised Southern Baptist (strict for those of you who don't know what that means) and I still can't bring myself to wear pants in Church. But I do wonder why I have to live my life based on a book that

1. Has been reinterpreted so many times I'm sure some stuff was lost &/or changed (What good story teller.. including myself.. doesn't want to 'tweak' their story just a little?)

2. Contradicts its own self (I could go on and on with this one, but I digress)

3. We have no Proof that Jesus really said or did most of any of the things in this book (or that it's even his "word")

4. Never got the chance to decide if that's how I wanted to live my life. (It is mine.. isn't it?)

For you see.. it wasn't until I was in my 20's that I had an ephiphany of sorts that I didn't have to believe something, live a certain way, or THINK a certain way just because my parents, my Preacher, or my government told me that is what I had to do. Wow.. what a weird day that was. I questioned everything I knew. How I lived, what I wore, how I talked, what I believed.... I was like.. omg.. what if the things that have been beat into my head are wrong? How do I know that just because a man says he is annointed by God that he really is? (Think of the child molesting priests). I don't really know him (we don't know people we live with everyday as husband and wife sometimes.. how can I know my pastor?) and he is after all just a man when you take away the suit, the pulpit & the Bible. I know is he dons a suit, stands before a wooden box, spouts words of wisdom from a 'book' and says that God tells him what to say. (Don't we put ppl in the funny farm that hear voices?) Yes, I know that's a little funny... and I don't mean any disrespect at all... yet it's also true.

Just because my parents wanted me to get married, and have lots of babies, and live happily ever after, didn't mean it had to be that way (and Lord knows it hasn't been). My parents mentally, physically & probably sexually abused me. Is that the way life has to be?

And whats up with the government telling me what to do with my life so dang much? Who are they? I don't know them and they don't know me. How did they get so much control over my life and how do I get it back?

Free Will I believe it's called ...

And the weirdest part of this whole thing is... not so many years ago.. I was the devout, faithful follower who would try to spout scripture and convince someone just like me that what I'm feeling is the Devil trying to drag me with much fan fare over to his side. That the Christian religion is based on Faith, and if you would only open your heart and mind to Jesus and God you could be saved and live forever in God's kingdom. And that you (now being me) were a sinner, back slider, an adultress, a fornicator, & waywardly bastard child to the devil but all could be forgiven if only you believe what you can not see or prove and promise to learn and teach "His" word.

*sigh*

Ok.. so some of you who've actually read down to here are probably a little irritated at me, or think I'm being blasphemous. Nope. I mean no disrespect to anyone. A lot of my friends are either Catholic or Baptist and I admire, maybe even envy a little, and respect their religious beliefs. I don't have to share beliefs (religion, morals, politics) with my friends to be friends with them. What I do have to share is a respect to not judge one another unless we've been disrespected by them. That's what makes my friendships so great!!!!




"Gentlemen.. Start your engines..."

Gotta go... C